The Bricklayer, by Noah Boyd

An exemplary masterpiece of pointless formulaic rubbish.

Judging it by the cover

I think I must have chosen this based on intrigue. I have so many questions.

Is it really called, The Bricklayer? Or it is “Steve Vail is The Bricklayer”? Either way… the brick layer? A person who lays bricks?

I love the next line: “Dirty. Ruthless. Dangerous. Everything the FBI wants…”

I can’t work out of that’s irony, or just weird. The first adjective about this guy is that he’s dirty. That’s his most prominent characteristic. Is he covered in brick dust? Or into the dark web? Either way, I really don’t think the FBI want any of it.

And the picture is a dude, from behind walking down a railway line. We encountered this only a few books ago too. Detective novels seem to like to show the character from behind. Why is that? Any art students care to explain? And there are no bricks getting laid… so this really doesn’t help clear anything up.

I also really love this bit on the back:

He’s a maverick? Do you get maverick bricklayers? Surely all bricklayers put their bricks in a perfectly straight line, keeping them plumb and level, and sticking to the exact same pattern used by every bricklayer to ever lay bricks. They literally never deviate from the rules, at all.

This is just so weird.

How was it?

There’s an expression my dad used to use, which I would paraphrase as “if you can’t say anything good, don’t say anything at all.” I wish this author had talked to my dad, because this book would probably never have been written.

I suppose I may have a bit of a bias against this kind of book, with its macho hero who can do anything and runs circles around the whole FBI, but I just found it completely stupid. I’m sure I’ve forgiven worse books on the grounds that you can at least come to like the characters but honestly, this one just sucks.

Steve Vail is THE BRICKLAYER. Except he’s not. He’s an ex agent, who gets the sack. Then he goes and becomes a bricklayer briefly, and then gets brought back as a contract agent, for some more agenting. It’s got fuck all to do with laying bricks and all the time that we’re involved with him, he’s being an FBI agent. What kind of FBI fiction needs a bricklayer? It makes no sense at all.

This is like referring to your doctor as THE SQUASHPLAYER, because at one brief moment, unconnected to your relationship with him, he played squash. I can only assume the author was trying to get a discount on his new garage by promising to write his brickie into a book or something. Or Chantelle in Marketing talked him into it because she thought it sounded butch and masculine. “Anyone can be an FBI agent… but it takes a real man to be an agent, and knock up a patio.” I can’t make any of it make sense, because it’s really all just toilet paper.

He starts the story as a bit of a hollow pointless character who’s really just a stinky attitude and a whole load of semi-military skills. But - to make him really stand out - Steve has a problem with authority and never plays by the rules. He doesn’t follow orders and he always knows best, so he does whatever he wants. Sounds great. He doesn’t change, never becomes any kind of a team player and despite the fact that he does eventually give results, he’s still the same unmanageable idiot.

So, the adventure really happens in the story and the action, not the character arc. And they’re just as ridiculous as the title.

I can’t even be bothered to try and do it justice to be honest. I’ve wasted too much of my life reading this book, but here’s the shortest summary I can manage.

Some arsehole is killing people. And he’s doing it to blackmail the FBI. Which is a bit new. His ransom demands give detailed instructions for money to be dropped off by a specific agent in a designated place. And the guy is some kind of absolute Bond-villain-type genius at planning how every step of everything is going to happen, with booby traps and motion sensors and multiple back ups and all that stuff. It’s the kind of Moriarty level genius villainy that isn’t credible, or impressive because you know it’s just made up nonsense that you can only get away with in a stupid book.

But Steve, because he’s just SOOOOOO amazing can outsmart him and catch him. Which he does, because… well he just does. No one cares how. And he does it without laying one single stupid brick, or using any brick laying related skills. He could at least kill someone with a trowel, or quickly build a tiny room with no door around someone while they’re unconscious. [Editor’s note: maybe just brick-up the door way in an existing room? Seems much easier…] But no, he does none of those things.

There is an attempt at a love story. Kate Bannon is the Deputy Director of the FBI and she’s basically Steve’s handler. They work together on the whole case and she’s the one who believes most in him when everyone else thinks he’s a knob (me included). She sees past his cold exterior and the two of them finally get together on the very last few pages of the book. It’s almost nice, but it’s pretty clear that any sequel to this book would begin with them having broken up within about 6 months because he can’t hold down an job, has no sense of responsibility and never listens to her.

Even right at the very end of the story, when he’s left the FBI again and gone back to his old life, he’s a sculptor. He doesn’t even go back to bricklaying. Pure madness.

If you want my copy, you’re welcome to it… but… why? Have you not been listening? But you can still have it.